Wednesday 8 April 2020 by Jack Marshall

G4 go into hiding after being mistaken for 5G


G4 band in hiding

Four-piece vocal troupe G4 have gone into hiding after online vigilantes appeared to confuse them with 5G.

Over the past week, the band has received three-times as many death threats as usual. The majority of these have been from YouTube scholars who believe that they are somehow responsible for the coronavirus spreading around the world.

Unfortunately, their hastily released single – “We’re an Operatic Pop Band not the Next Generation of Mobile Phone Technology” – didn’t stop the torrent of abuse and they now find themselves socially isolating at a secret location under 24-hour police protection.

Despite this, Simon Williams, the man responsible for the online petition asking for the quartet to be sent to Guantanamo Bay, remained unrepentant.

“Wake up, sheeple! If G4 didn’t cause Covid-19, they’re probably responsible for some other disease like persistent flatulence or chronic impotence. Neither of which I suffer from, by the way!

“Just look at the evidence. After being exposed to them for the last 16 years, Simon Cowell’s teeth now glow in the dark and he breathes through his eyes. What else could’ve done that to him?

“The people saying we’re mistaking a ‘harmless technology advancement’ with boyband are all in the pocket of big-technology, why else would they bother making us look lie idiots?”

This isn’t the first time that a finalist from The X Factor has been accused of starting a pandemic.

In 2009, the World Health Organization alleged that Steve Brookstein was responsible for Swine Flu. His music career has been in quarantine ever since.

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: