“I wish I’d thought of this,” admits Blofeld

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Global villain Ernst Stavro Blofeld yesterday expressed grudging admiration for the Coronavirus epidemic and admitted: “I wish I’d thought of it.”

Speaking from his secret underground volcano lair, where he is currently self-isolating, the international villain went on.

“Over the years I’ve tried all sorts of schemes to bring about the threat of global panic and collapse.

“Kidnapping nuclear submarines, secretly constructing a giant space laser, that thing with the Bolivian water supply, whatever all that was about. You name it, I’ve tried it.

“Yes, okay, there was that thing with the girls in the clinic in Switzerland, but I just wasn’t thinking on a grand enough scale – and anyway who would ever have guessed that George Lazenby was James Bond? Not me, that’s for sure.

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“The long and short of it is that over the years I’ve been put to a great deal of unnecessary trouble and expense. What with building secret bases, recruiting a new set of goons, those things don’t come cheap, you know.

“Do you know how difficult it is run an organisation like Spectre? People only ever see the glamorous side it, trust me, the admin is an absolute nightmare – but I’ve been happy doing it because it was all about wreaking global chaos.

“Now it turns out all I needed to do was threaten to keep a load of exotic animals stacked up in highly unsanitary conditions and then tell a few porky pies to the World Health Organisation and demand a billion dollars.