The massive contribution made by Jeremy Corbyn to last year’s Conservative victory is to be recognised in the Queen’s birthday honours, we can reveal.
Paying tribute to the leader of the opposition as he was finally levered out of his office, a Tory Party spokesman said, “Nobody worked harder, or for longer, to ensure the Conservative party won the last election than Jeremy Corbyn.
“Whenever he appeared on a doorstep, or his picture appeared on a flyer, voters would take one look at him and find themselves saying ‘Conservatives, definitely’. And we’re immensely grateful for that, and we feel it’s only right his efforts should be properly recognised.
“We thought about a gift basket with a selection of organic jams, but this feels a bit more appropriate.”
Some commentators are already speculating that Corbyn may be elevated to a seat in the Lords, like so many die-hard socialists before him.
“The Tories have a tendency to cram the Lords with the sort of people they know won’t oppose their policies,” said nobility expert Simon Prince-Williams.
“So it would certainly make sense to make Jeremy Corbyn the first Baron Islington.
“That way, whenever people think of voting Labour again, they can wheel him out to make a speech about nationalising cheese or something, and he’ll shore up the Conservative vote yet again.
“I certainly don’t expect to see any serious opposition to it from parliament.”
Jeremy Corbyn was unavailable for comment this morning after John McDonnell was seen going into his office with an ice pick.