Friday 3 April 2020 by Chris Ballard

Queen to tell British public to simply stay at home in their massive castles and live off the taxpayer


Queen to address the country

Her Majesty is to give a televised speech on Sunday in which she will explain to the nation just how easy lockdown is.

Apart from the lack of family, friends, presents and basic foodstuffs it seems that Christmas has come early. Not only are many people locking themselves in their bedrooms and sobbing, but the Queen will be giving a televised address to the nation on Sunday evening.

“I’ll be telling people to cheer the fuck up and stop complaining about lockdown,” said Her Majesty.

“It seems people might need a gentle reminder that it’s no hardship to spend a few months kicking around one of your huge residences. However, I’ll be giving a few tips on how to survive if one is struggling.

“Firstly, go and stay in a countryside castle rather than an urban palace – not as many people around you see.

“If you’re feeling claustrophobic simply open up another wing of your property. Perhaps move bedroom every few nights to make it feel like you’re constantly somewhere new?

“If the weather’s not too bad then you should take the opportunity to saddle up your favourite nag and ride around the grounds. Make sure you get up a good speed to really blow away those cobwebs!

“It goes without saying that you should avoid getting within two metres of the staff. It can be awkward when they’re getting you dressed so make sure you keep some anti-bacterial spray to hand – simply fire it into their face as they do your buttons up.

“Finally, if your husband is grey and doesn’t seem to be moving there’s a possibility they might have died – best put them in the servant’s cottage to avoid the spread of disease. That’s where Phillip has been for the last six months.

“And don’t worry if your revenue streams have been cut off because you can’t conduct your usual duties – that’s what the Treasury is for!

“People of Britain, we’ll get through this together!”

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