Friday 3 April 2020 by Chris Ballard

People without gardens to become light-fearing Morlocks


people without gardens becoming morlocks

H.G. Wells appears to have predicted coronavirus lockdown as people without easy access to fresh air slowly morph into a species of troglodytes who shun the light – the Morlocks.

With much of the world in lockdown the human race is evolving into two distinct species:

The Eloi, who have gardens and eat fruit and vegetables.

The Morlocks, who live in flats, are terrified of sunlight and come out at night only to feast on any Eloi foolish enough to be enjoying the breeze after dark.

Simon Williams is a time traveller who has just returned from September 2020.

“The initial smugness of the garden owning Eloi quickly turns into complacency,” he said.

“With plenty of fresh air and unlimited exercise they become naive, childlike creatures without a care in the world.

“They enjoy browsing gardening tips on their iPads as works of great literature crumble into dust around them.

“The children of the Eloi don Cath Kidston wellies to splash in muddy puddles, rub flowers and collect minibeasts. They have no understanding of even basic maths.

“By contrast, the flat-dwelling Morlocks are completely bat-shit crazy.

“Mocked by the mere presence of the outside world they closed their curtains forever sometime in May.

“Angry and aggressive, they now spend their days crashing into furniture as they fail to follow the lessons of online personal trainers.

“Interestingly, their children are highly numerate having nothing else to do but watch Carol Vorderman’s Maths Factor. They graffiti the walls with advanced calculus as their parents yell into each other’s faces about how they’re sick to death of the whole bloody family.

“But there is nowhere to go apart from the brief nighttime hunts for Eloi meat. There is nothing to do except attempt to replicate Jamie Oliver recipes on how to cook the middle classes.

“I hope that this serves as some sort of lesson to the people of April 2020.

“As for me, I’m buggering off to 1996 to watch Oasis at Knebworth.

“Good luck with everything.”

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