Friday 3 April 2020 by Neil Tollfree

Man who claims to be spending lockdown ‘chilling’ actually just masturbating and eating crisps


man self isolating

A single man who claimed to have spent the last week or so ‘chilling’ at home has been exposed as a liar after being forced to admit that he’s actually just been masturbating and eating crisps.

Simon Williams works in IT at Barlow and Williams investments and was this morning asked by his colleague Lucy Plank via video chat if he was able to enjoy the extra time at home given their workloads are a lot lighter at the moment.

He responded, “Yeah, I’m doing fine, I guess. Just spent it chilling really, improving myself, you know.”

However, the answer raised some suspicions.

“I don’t know, there must have been something in the way he said it, but I knew there was more to the story than that,” said Ms Plank, who went on the expose Williams for his dishonesty.

“I decided to press him, so I just went ‘Oh yeah? So, what did you do?’

“He just smiled and went ‘nothing. Just chilled.’”

Recognising that Williams planned to stonewall, Ms Plank made a bold gamble.

“It was reckless, I was playing a hunch, but I just couldn’t let him get away with these bald-faced lies. So, I asked him outright – ‘Si,’ I said, ‘when you say you’ve been chilling, do you really mean you’ve spent the best part of a week and a half masturbating and eating crisps?’”

A pregnant silence hung in the air before Williams cracked.

“He just burst into tears and nodded without saying anything. It felt good, I’d exposed him for the fraud he was. So I hung up and went back to my kitchen and had a biscuit.”

Simon went for an angry wank and a bag of salt and vinegar.

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