God clarifies that Covid-19 is a punishment for the existence of the DUP

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God has lashed out at Ballymena DUP councillor John Carson’s comments about Coronavirus insisting the Coronavirus has been sent to Earth as punishment for people repeatedly voting for bigots like the DUP.

The DUP councillor had tried blaming the virus on same-sex marriage and access to safe abortion, but God was left with no choice but to correct the record.

He told us, “Coronavirus pandemic is My punishment for the Democratic Unionist Party, that’s it.

“Yes, it’s appearing in a few other places too, but pandemics just don’t work on that basis. They’re no respecters of borders – even gerrymandered ones.

“But if you’re looking for someone to blame, look no further than the DUP. I can’t be clearer than that.”

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Local Antrim man Billy ‘Looper’ Murphy commented, “I went to school in Ballymena, and I can tell you it has more fuckwits per square metre than any other place on the planet.

“The DUP aren’t a political party, they’re a hate group. Hate the Catholics, hate ‘the gays’, hate any woman who has a mind of her own, hate anyone who would like to do anything on a Sunday they disapprove of. Hate, hate, hate – that’s their mantra. I’m not surprised coronavirus has been sent to punish them.

“I can remember them padlocking up the swings on a Sunday when I was a wee boy. Between that and Drumcree it’s made me the functional alcoholic with a crippling anxiety disorder that I am today. Swear to God so I do!”

Local SDLP councillor Henry Henry commented, “I think Mr Carson and the DUP should concentrate on safeguarding the Good Friday Agreement and making power-sharing work, rather than blaming coronavirus on things they don’t like.

“If they still want to flagellate themselves then they should do it on their own dime.

“Northern Ireland might be a happier place if the entire DUP adopted more extreme social distancing measures and move themselves to the Isle of Man or somewhere like that!”