Con-artists, grifters and hustlers demand coronavirus relief package

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The National Federation of Con-artists, grifters and hustlers have demanded the Government act immediately to provide a relief package for their members during the coronavirus crisis.

With the public forced to stay inside, there as been considerably less opportunity for con-artists and grifters to run three-card montes, pigeon drops and pig-in-a-poke scams.

“I used to have a lovely little three-cup game that I ran up on Westminster Bridge,” explained clip-artist Simon Williams.

“Used to pull in two or three hundred quid a day if no-one squealed me up to the fuzz. It was a proper good job, but now the government has us locked up and my job has disappeared, if that doesn’t make me qualify for a bailout, I don’t know what does.

“These days I’m tucked up at me drum with the missus giving it all that about not having enough bunce to go to the lollipop.”

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Paul Christopher is the Chiseller in Chief of the Federation.

“Our members have been left in a right two-and-eight by this coronavirus malarkey,” explained Mr Christopher.

“The con industry is in right Stewart Granger. If we don’t get the help we need from the Government now, then we could find that the con industry is knackered. Permanently.

“Then, when everything gets back to normal, there’s going to be no-one to run bait-and-switches or Spanish Prisoners.

“Diabolical. Doesn’t bear thinking about.”

The Government have yet to respond to the Federation’s request, although MP Chris Grayling is supporting the federation as he is a regular purchaser of magic beans from one of its members.