‘Two-metre rule’ finally gets the over 60s using the metric system

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The over 60s have suddenly started estimating distances in metric, according to a new study released today.

For years Britain has struggled to get the older generation using the metric system, having seen them glued to archaic measurements that don’t make any sense to anyone born in the last fifty years.

Many have stuck to their imperial measures because so many populist right-wing crackpots told them using a confusing and laughably outdated system was actually ‘a point of national pride’.

Although imperial measurements haven’t been taught in schools for decades, certain institutions such as the aerospace industry and the BBC still refuse to use anything else.

Simon Williams, who works at a builders merchant, told us, “We’d regularly get retirement age people coming in here and asking for a quart of paint, five stone of sharp sand, and timber which was two furlongs by three-eighths of a hogshead or whatever.

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“Anyway since the pandemic required us all to adopt social distancing, they are queueing up exactly two metres apart. Exactly two metres, we measured it.

“It’s almost as if their lives depending on it made them pay attention. And they no longer look at my technical sketches as if they were written in hieroglyphics.

“The change from Imperial to metric happened literally overnight. The night of 23 March if I recall correctly.”

However, it has been revealed that some areas of society will, and must, retain Imperial measurements indefinitely. These will be weight loss classes, Games Workshop rules and Tinder bios.