Tuesday 31 March 2020 by Chris Ballard

The NewsThump guide to sharing ‘amusing’ videos of yourself and other signs you’re having a nervous breakdown


man taking funny selfie video

Medical scientists with nothing better to do at the moment have revealed the five surest signs that lockdown is sending you over the edge.

Lockdown is taking its toll on the British public – it’s been a whole week now and people are losing their tenuous grip on reality.

“It’s a tough time,” said psychiatrist Professor Simon Williams. “Perhaps you’re concerned about your mental health – if you’re doing any of the following then you probably should be.”

Filming ‘hilarious’ videos of yourself and sharing the comedy gold on social media.

“Has being in the house for seven days convinced you that you have hitherto untapped comedy talents? Have you decided the world desperately needs to see your side-splitting routine about over-zealous hand washing?

“Perhaps you’re happily uploading videos to social media despite the fact you’re just wearing your pants and haven’t showered for four days?

“Seek help before your friends do it for you – self-referral is always far less embarrassing.”

Baking

“Fuck those empty supermarket shelves – you’ll just make your own bread out of Weetabix and custard powder and an Oxo cube or something. That’s cooking, right? How hard can it be?

“Soon your cheddar and black bean sauce cupcakes will be the envy of the world.”

Being so bored working from home all the time that you actually do some work.

“Just working from home occasionally was fun – the novelty of getting paid to watch TV, eat Skips and wank. Perhaps simultaneously.

“However, if you now find yourself proactively calling your boss then you should be careful – if lockdown goes on for much longer you’re in danger of achieving your objectives and getting a bonus. That way promotion and true madness lie.”

Spending an entire evening doing an online pub quiz

“Stop marking your own answers and just take a minute to think about this booze-less, friendless absurdity.

“Good, now ask your partner to hide the knives because it’s not safe for you to have access.”

Deciding you should become a teacher because you’re so good at homeschooling

“You managed to get little Freddie to watch a whole ten-minute episode of Maddie’s Do You Know without suffocating in a Tesco carrier bag. You should do this for a living!

“Don’t – there is no surer sign of insanity that applying to become a teacher.”

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