Tuesday 31 March 2020

NHS reports massive rise in removing things from bored people’s arses


A&E overwhelmed by people putting stuff up their arses

The NHS is starting to see the downside of locking down an entire nation of utterly bored perverts in houses full of sphincter-sized implements.

As cases of emergency arsehole retrieval continue to rise, doctors are warning that accident and emergency departments could soon find themselves overwhelmed by careless arse fetishists.

As one NHS doctor told us, “We normally get one or two cases a week of stuff stuck up various bums, that’s the norm, but out there in the triage area right now, we’ve got fifteen blokes with a range of things up their arse from a Russian doll to a jar of pickles.

“People being stuck at home with nothing to do and house full of things to stick up their arses is not a good combination.

“The entire nation seems to be obsessed with looking at graphs of patient numbers at the moment, and let me assure you the one for emergency arsehole retrievals is looking every inch the exponential threat we were all worried about.

“This is a time when we’re supposed to be freeing up resources for the NHS, not pulling doctors out of their PPE gear to grab a pair of medical pliers and get that salt shaker out of Trevor’s arse.”

NewsThump would like to take this moment to advise against putting anything in your arse during the lockdown, it’s an exit, not entrance – but if you must, please consider helping your stretched NHS by tying a piece of string to it for easy retrieval in case of a mishap.

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