Man stuck at home ‘very likely’ to die of alcohol poisoning before Coronavirus can get him

author avatar by 4 years ago

The way local man Simon Williams is going, the booze will get him a long time before Coronavirus does, it has emerged.

Simon, who has taken to sitting on the sofa not going out like a duck to water in the last two weeks, basically started knocking it back as soon as work told him not to come in and hasn’t slowed much since.

Doctors estimate that despite the virus having a transmissibility r0 of 3.61, the booze will undoubtedly get Simon before it does.

“Simon first came to our attention when he started stockpiling 24-can packs of beer and bottles of Jack Daniels several weeks before the outbreak was really noticeable,” Doctors told us.

“He’s what we call a ‘first responder’ – someone whose first response is to use any crisis to start tipping it down like billy-o.”

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When asked if he was at all worried about Covid-19, Simon told us that he’s survived nights out drinking in Leeds before now, and if that didn’t kill him, pretty much nothing can.

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