Stoner Simon Williams was shocked to learn today that he’s been doing exactly what the government want by sitting on the sofa watching Netflix solidly for the last two weeks.
Simon, who has done nothing but sit at home staring vacantly into space and ordering takeout since Boris Johnson made his announcement – and for a couple of years before that as well – has immediately obeyed advice not to go to work or the pub because he never did that anyway.
Medical authorities praised Simon as an example to the nation, as his daily routine of doing nothing whatsoever may have saved hundreds from contracting the disease.
“There are a lot of advantages to practising this social distancing that the government is going on about,” he told us.
“For starters, everyone has to get their own joint rather than trying to bum some off mine all the time, and a lot of my friends are trying to cut down to help their lungs – which means more for me.”
“And everyone I know is available to play games online all day now, whereas before they all had to go to ‘work’, which sucked.”