Monday 30 March 2020 by Arabin Patson

People rejoicing at Tory ministers getting sick reminded that it can only happen for so long before Mark Francois becomes PM


Mark Francois could become PM if coronavirus continues

The government has explained that, if enough Tory MPs get incapacitated, the reins of the country could very well end up in the hands of a xenophobic potato who thinks he deserves a remembrance day all to himself, so maybe you should lay off the online snark.

The Deputy Cabinet Secretary, Sir Simon Williams, explained that, as satisfactory as it was to see Tory politicians fall victim to a tragedy of their own making, the rules of succession meant that, for each one down, Mark Francois edges one step closer to Downing Street.

He went on, “Yes, for some it’s cathartic to hope Boris Johnson chokes especially when the government brags about starting to test NHS workers a whole 57 days after the first case in the UK. But as badly managed as the crisis is, imagine if the country was run by a man who would award himself a Victoria Cross for cleaning his shoes.

“We all know that the current crop are sociopaths, but even they know that mass deaths will result in less money to siphon off to Tory donors and that eventually, the disease would hit something they care about like Eton or prostitutes who cater to nanny fetishists.

“Whereas Mark Francois refuses to believe in anything originating in China because of his imaginary service in the Opium Wars. And anyone unlucky enough to meet him knows he would completely ignore the NHS and start shelling Calais.

“So think hard about how much you’d like to see Michael Gove snuff it because his Dyson ventilator packs it in. With this lot, there is always worse around the corner.

“And he’s munching a Pepperami.”

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