Monday 30 March 2020 by James Backhouse

Coughing, feverish Boris Johnson personally licking shut thousands of Coronavirus letters for British households


Boris licking envelopes of letters to citizens

Boris Johnson has written a letter about the Covid-19 crisis, copies of which will be sent to every household in the country, and despite self-isolating for the disease himself the PM is pitching in by personally licking shut thousands of envelopes.

“There’s not a moment to lose,” explained the PM, at a desk strewn with damp letters and used tissues, “that’s why this tower of freshly-tongued epistles will be delivered by hand within the next hour. The spit will still be wet when they hit the doormat!”

The PM paused to cough into a handful of letters and then continued “it feels great to get directly involved like this – you know, I really feel a connection to the community, like I’m personally giving them something that will make a big difference to their lives.

“To be honest I’m glad to have something to do. I’ve not had much to occupy my time in self-isolation other than watch the sort of video I can’t watch when Carrie is around – not after that time when the sofa ended up covered in wine and the neighbours called the police.

“That reminds me, I must ask for some help deleting my browsing history. Last time I slipped up and deleted that email about the EU ventilator scheme instead.

“I think I’m almost over the Coronavirus, but I am worried that it might be causing some new symptoms – has anyone else been getting sore wrists, aching palms, and a blistered penis?”

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