Boris Johnson has written a letter about the Covid-19 crisis, copies of which will be sent to every household in the country, and despite self-isolating for the disease himself the PM is pitching in by personally licking shut thousands of envelopes.
“There’s not a moment to lose,” explained the PM, at a desk strewn with damp letters and used tissues, “that’s why this tower of freshly-tongued epistles will be delivered by hand within the next hour. The spit will still be wet when they hit the doormat!”
The PM paused to cough into a handful of letters and then continued “it feels great to get directly involved like this – you know, I really feel a connection to the community, like I’m personally giving them something that will make a big difference to their lives.
“To be honest I’m glad to have something to do. I’ve not had much to occupy my time in self-isolation other than watch the sort of video I can’t watch when Carrie is around – not after that time when the sofa ended up covered in wine and the neighbours called the police.
“That reminds me, I must ask for some help deleting my browsing history. Last time I slipped up and deleted that email about the EU ventilator scheme instead.
“I think I’m almost over the Coronavirus, but I am worried that it might be causing some new symptoms – has anyone else been getting sore wrists, aching palms, and a blistered penis?”