Monday 30 March 2020 by Chris Ballard

Boris Johnson finally writes to his own children


Boris writing to all of his children

By writing to everyone in the country the Prime Minister is reaching out to his various offspring in a way he never has before.

Boris Johnson is sending a letter to everyone in Britain.

“Daddy!” cried 17-year-old Simon Williams as he tore open the envelope.

Simon is one of the murder of Johnsons at large in Britain today. His mother Brenda Williams was impregnated by Boris when he travelled on a train on which she was serving coffee.

“I knew he’d get in touch eventually!” said Simon. “He probably wants to meet up! Perhaps take me to the park for a kick about!”

Simon read on.

“Oh, he says I have to stay at home and it sounds like I’d actually get fined if I went to the park with him. That’s a bit weird.

“Well, maybe he’ll go on to say how much he’s missed me and that he regrets not making contact sooner…

“Blah, blah…lots of people are going to die…. this really isn’t what I expected at all.

“I’m gonna see what my mate Dave thinks about it – I can always talk to him about personal stuff.

“For fuck’s sake he’s got one too! Every Tom, Dick and Harry has!

“I thought I was a special member of a group only hundreds in size!” sobbed Simon. “But he’s written to people he didn’t even father! The bastard!”

Meanwhile, Boris has only just realised what the implications of his mailshot might be.

“Bugger, hadn’t thought about the sprogs. I mean, I never do!

“I’ll do what I did for the flood victims and pay them a visit. Not yet obviously, but when it’s far too late to matter.”

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