Saturday 28 March 2020 by Chris Ballard

Self-isolating Boris spends first day making 100 red buses out of crates


Self-isolating Boris busy making buses

The Prime Minister may be self-isolating but he’s still getting his priorities right and making loads of crappy wooden red buses.

Boris Johnson is self-isolating after being diagnosed with coronavirus. So far he has already used packing crates to make 100 red buses and plans to make thousands more over the coming days.

“Don’t worry, I’m still able to lead the fight against Covid-19,” said the Prime Minister. “I’ve had a jolly good think and I know exactly how I should be spending my time.

“I shall make an entire army of red buses. On the side of each, I’ll promise £350 million to the NHS. Just think what £350 million multiplied by lots and lots would be! It would be really loads wouldn’t it?

“With all that extra cash the NHS will be so well resourced that the people of Britain will essentially be invincible. We’ll probably even be able to bring some people back from the dead. Obviously I can’t promise that.. oh, what the hell – we’ll definitely bring back people from the dead. Look, I’ve even painted it on the side of my latest bus!

“And don’t worry – I’ve got loads of packing crates to use as building material. Only this morning a shipment of crates arrived marked ‘Urgent: NHS Personal Protective Equipment.’

“Well, I immediately binned the contents – junk mail probably – and got to work on my brilliant British buses.

“Unfortunately the crates weren’t red so I did have to slaughter Larry the cat to get some paint. But I’ve already appointed Michael Gove as the new Chief Mouser so there’ll be lots more to come!

“In general though I’m feeling absolutely fine! Basically nothing wrong with me.

“Buses, buses, buses, buses, buses, buses!”

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