Friday 27 March 2020

Mike Ashley ‘deeply sorry’ for allowing nation to see what an arsehole he is


Mike Ashley apologises for letting people see what an arsehole he is

Sports Direct owner Mike Ashley has today expressed how deeply sorry he is for accidentally letting the nation see what a money-grabbing arsehole he really is.

After facing severe criticism for forcing his workers to open shops and sell giant mugs and multipacks of white sports socks, despite the rest of the country being on lockdown, Ashley has spoken publicly to admit his shame at not being better and hiding his twattish nature.

“I am sorry, I handled this badly, and our PR was terrible – they should have been much better at disguising the sort of person I really am.  I don’t pay them to make me look like an arsehole who puts profit before the welfare of staff and customers, I can do that perfectly well on my own!

“Rest assured, I have learned the lessons of the last 24 hours, and when we face another pandemic I will make sure I am prepared. We’ll probably sell discount paracetamol or something so we can keep our doors open.

The rest of the UK has finally learned what Newcastle fans have known for years, after front-row seat to the Twatathon that has been Sports Direct’s last two days.

However, it is unlikely Ashley’s actions will have any long-term effects on the business, given that giant mugs can’t stop buying giant mugs.

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