Thursday 26 March 2020 by Chris Ballard

Man abandons attempt to cut own hair after failing to describe to himself what he wants


man looking in mirror at haircut

A man tried to give himself a haircut but simply didn’t have the vocabulary to communicate his desired style to himself.

People everywhere are looking in the mirror and wondering which of two paths they should take during lockdown – cut their own hair or just let themselves go.

“I’m lucky enough to be able to work from home,” said accountant Simon Williams. “Given that I still need to act vaguely professional I thought I should probably try to at least look the part and get my hair cut.

“I was due to go last weekend to ‘Ye Olde Beardy McHipster’s Overpriced Barbershop Emporium’ but my appointment was obviously cancelled.

“No matter, I thought, how hard can it be?

“To ensure the haircut was as good as possible I emulated all the things the professionals do.

“I started by making myself a cappuccino even though I don’t drink cappuccinos anywhere except the hairdressers.

“Then I gave myself a slightly awkward and completely unnecessary head massage.

“Finally I sat myself down and said, ‘What are we doing today?’

“Well, I didn’t have a clue what to say. ‘A trim? Like it is but a bit shorter?’

“I kept asking myself all sorts of difficult questions – ‘How do you wear it? How much off the top? Off the ears or on the ears?’

“In the end I just gave up and went to watch the death toll on the telly.

“I’m kicking myself now though – I could have simply shown myself a photo!

“Ah well. I suppose I’ll just have to look like the Prime Minister for the next three months.”

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