Wednesday 25 March 2020 by Arabin Patson

It’s all definitely under control, says man pleading for 250,000 untrained volunteers to work in hospitals


Matt Hancock, NHS volunteers

Health Secretary Matt Hancock has once again soothed a frightened nation by telling them the government knows how to deal with the coronavirus and by the way if you feel like you want to try something that normally requires 4-years of training then feel free to pop on over to your local hospital.

In a statement to the press, Mr Hancock explained that the government’s long-standing work on the NHS was now paying off as, unlike European countries who can only rely on numerous well-paid medical personnel, the UK alone could have hospitals partly staffed by randoms.

It went on, “We have the best health service in the world and we most certainly have not left things until way too late to prevent mass deaths. We just think this a great time to have unqualified people helping to deal with a virus that has two billion people in lockdown.

“So if you fancy yourself a budding Florence Nightingale but don’t want to spend four years learning how not to kill sick people, now’s your chance. Remember that this is in no way a sign of how desperate the situation is. We most certainly do not need people to move bodies. Oh no.”

Simon Williams a civic-minded retiree from Nottingham who doesn’t know his own blood type, said he was delighted at the chance of milling around an overworked hospital during a pandemic.

“It will be a change for me to go to a hospital without having to do tests for diabetes. I need to get cracking and watch some Holby City so I can be ready.

“Do you think they’ll let me perform operations? I used to work in a carvery.”

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