Tuesday 24 March 2020

Sports Direct must stay open because giant mugs save lives, insists Mike Ashley


Mike Ashley on lockdown

Mike Ashley has defied the government by keeping his Sports Direct stores open, insisting that using one of their giant mugs is one of the best ways of fighting the Coronavirus.

Ashley, whose famous generosity to employees and customers now clearly spreads to his concern for their general well-being, is said to have made the decision after hearing how much closing his shops would cost him.

Ashely told reporters, “We know from the medical professionals that the virus targets the vulnerable, and what better way to show the virus you’re not vulnerable that by downing a gallon of tea from a mug with an advert on the side?

“It just makes sense, anyone seen drinking from a Sports Direct mug is clearly not to be messed with.

“What this nation really needs is to keep up its morale, and it can do that with giant mugs and multipacks of white sports socks that fall apart after half a dozen washes.

“And if that doesn’t work, we’ll just start selling poorly made ventilators.”

“You’re welcome Britain.”

Sports Direct worker Simon Williams told us, “I was stopped by a policeman this morning who asked where I was going, and for some reason, he didn’t think a job that involves cramming as much discounted sportswear as possible into every square foot of what is essentially an undecorated warehouse didn’t make me a ‘key worker’.

“I told him to take up with Mike Ashley.”

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