Pro-life movement to be renamed pro-life-but-only-if-it-is-economically-advantageous movement

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As the clamour for the US to ‘get back to business’ grows among the right-wing pro-life segment of the American public, there have been calls to rename the ‘pro-life’ movement to something more appropriate.

With Donald Trump increasingly sounding like he is going to lift movement restrictions on Americans that was designed to slow the spread of the coronavirus and therefore limit fatalities, many have backed his view that a few thousand dead old people is a price worth paying to maintain the value of their 401(k).

Pro-lifer Chuck Williams told us, “I would happily shoot an abortion doctor to death to protect the life of an unborn child. I would literally commit murder to demonstrate my absolute and unwavering Christian commitment to the sanctity of life.

“But what I won’t do is accept further damage to my investment portfolio, and watch the American economy stumble towards recession to protect the lives of a few vulnerable old and sick people – not in an election year when we need Donald Trump to get another four years.

“We must all go back to work, just as the President has said, and if we happen to lose a few economically unproductive lives along the way, so be it.

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“It’s just like Jesus said in the Bible, all life is sacred – but only when it’s been subjected to a thorough cost-benefit analysis.”

Pro-choice campaigner Emily Matthews told us, “If their truly awful position on the issue of Coronavirus has taught us anything, it’s that we can convert every pro-lifer into a vociferous pro-choice supporter.

“We just need to illustrate how a foetus can be economically disadvantageous.”