Tuesday 24 March 2020 by Pete Redfern

Government urges Proclaimers to reduce their walk to 5 miles


proclaimers urged to reduce walk to 5 miles

The Proclaimers have today been urged by government officials to reduce the length of their walk to one per cent its normal distance, according to reports this afternoon.

Prime Minister Boris Johnson, a man whose only daily exercise consists of shagging the nearest female co-worker, yesterday decreed that the British public were only allowed out once a day to exercise, but failed to specify a maximum number of miles that can be walked.

The Proclaimers, finding themselves stranded either 500 or 1000 miles away from their respective other halves, had hoped to be able to complete the trek as part of their daily quota of exercise.

One of them – we don’t know which – told us, “When I’m working – from home – then you know I’m going to be the man working hard for that special person in my life.

“I need to pass almost every penny on to them, but sadly there is a distance of 500 miles, and possibly 500 miles more after that, between us.

“I don’t think it unreasonable to have a short 1000 mile stroll as part of my daily quota of exercise to fall down at her door, is it?”

Michael Gove, fresh from his important task of telling Sports Direct that giant mugs and umbrellas aren’t essential to survival, brought clarity to the confusion, saying, “I get that it is difficult for the Proclaimers, being so far from loved ones, but their safest bet is just to walk 5 miles, give them a wave and then head home.”

Then Chris Grayling piped up, “How any can do just one a day is beyond me. I normally have three or four before breakfast.

“Oh, WALKing, you said? I see, in that case, one a day is about right.”

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