Tuesday 24 March 2020 by Chris Ballard

Daily exercise not compulsory, sedentary Brits reassured


Brits reassured exercise not compulsory

As Britain goes into lockdown the public has been told they may leave the house to exercise once a day. But don’t worry, it’s not mandatory!

Further to the Prime Minister’s address to the nation Downing Street has issued a clarification – going outside for daily exercise is entirely optional.

“Oh thank fuck for that!” said typically active British person Simon Williams.

“When I heard Boris mention exercise my heart leapt into my mouth – or at least it would have if it wasn’t weighed down with saturated fats and if my mouth wasn’t filled to capacity with Walkers Sensations.

“Relieve pressure on the NHS? I nearly phoned an ambulance yesterday morning while watching PE with Joe alongside my six-year-old.

“Jesus, I wouldn’t want to have to attempt a squat every single day!

“I’m just not the type for physical activity. I don’t do any exercise at all unless you count masturbation – and even that’s gone to the dogs now that the kids are home all the bloody time!”

Now that Simon is clear that he isn’t required to keep fit in any way whatsoever he’s very supportive of the new measures.

“It’s undeniably all very sensible,” he said. “We’re basically being told to stay at home and eat ourselves to death – which is word-for-word what I wrote on my five-year plan at the start of January.

“Obviously I feel sorry for the businesses this impacts but I’ll do what I can to support the local economy – for example, I won’t be cancelling my gym membership.

“My only question is: when they say you can’t leave your house, does that mean you can’t pop to your garage?

“It’s just that it’s really important I’m allowed to go to the garage – that’s where the beer fridge is.”

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