Public places to discourage visitors with huge photos of Michael Gove

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Michael Gove’s leering grin will be saving lives this week, and the British public can’t say they weren’t warned.

The Prime Minister explicitly stated that if they didn’t follow social distancing guidelines then harsher measures would be implemented – measures that would fill dog walkers and picnickers with such a profound terror that they’d immediately scurry back to their Mrs Brown’s Boys boxsets and their stockpiles of Monster Munch.

“What better way to deal with people who are ignoring the advice of experts than with a picture of Michael Gove’s rubbery smirk?” said government spokesman Simon Williams.

“A trial banner at Snowdonia National Park saw visitor numbers drop overnight from the busiest ever to zero. Even some of the wildlife fled.

“This is obviously very exciting and going forward Gove’s permanently surprised expression will be used in a number of ways.

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“Plainclothes police officers will don Michael Gove face masks when they patrol sites of potential public gatherings.

“If our satellites pick up a meeting of five or more people a drone will immediately be despatched to drop Michael Gove leaflets – the socialisers will soon disperse, screaming as they go.

“And if a house contains someone with symptoms of coronavirus a photo of Michael Gove must be pasted to the front door – similar to how red crosses were used during times of plague.

“Who’d have thought that Michael Gove would prove to be even vaguely useful?

“We considered using images of Jacob Rees-Mogg but so many people want to punch him in the face it might actually have had the opposite of the desired effect.”