Now would be the perfect time to wheel out those ‘Go Home’ vans again, Conservatives told

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The Conservative Party leadership have today been urged by health officials that if there ever was a time for those ‘Go Home or face arrest’ vans, this is it.

During her time as Home Secretary, former Prime Minister Theresa May oversaw the rollout of the now infamous ‘Go Home’ vans – a message that experts could, for the first time, actually benefit society if adapted ever so slightly.

Dr Simon Williams, an emergency medicine consultant for a hospital in Berkshire, told us, “With Boris Johnson simultaneously telling people to both stay inside and also to go and get fresh air, the time has come for clear guidance to curtail the spread of the Coronavirus.

“That fleet of ‘Go Home or Face Arrest’ vans, which presumably are all being stored in a field near Theresa May’s house in Sonning along with Boris’s water cannons, could be adapted slightly to reflect the current situation.”

He explained, “So instead of saying ‘Living in the UK illegally? Go home or face arrest’, the message could simply say ‘Are you an imbecile, whose selfish actions will probably kill someone? Go home or face arrest’.

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“Sometimes, in the absence of clear leadership from Downing Street, you have to spell it out for the hard of thinking.”

Theresa May, delighted to have a part to play in something positive for the first time ever, responded gleefully, “I’ll get those vans out on the road as soon as possible, just as soon as I’ve got the go-ahead from the boss in Number Ten.

“Now where’s Dominic’s number…”