City of Liverpool revokes ban on The Sun as toilet paper crisis worsens

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With the spread of COVID-19 permeating every facet of society, Greater Merseyside has made the unprecedented move of inviting The Sun newspaper back to Liverpool.

The olive-branch announcement was met with incredulity by many Scousers before the city allayed fears, clarifying ‘The Sun may be returning to certain Liverpool shelves, but will never return to our newsstands’.

Metro Mayor of Liverpool, Steve Rotherham, said, “The War of the Roses was years ago, so please stop giving me grief about my name!

“I read Roger McGough, I love The Beatles, and I still YouTube episodes of Blind Date. I was born in Kirkby, not Rotherham!

He continued, “In times of crisis, we have to keep our friends close and our enemies closer.

“Annoyingly, the COVID-19 pandemic suggests we don’t keep any friends near us; but I’m happy to keep The Sun pretty damn close to my toilet.

“The only shelf on which this newspaper will ever be front and centre in Liverpool, is two feet from the ground in a pristine bathroom – where for the first time, it will be ready to give aid to any Merseysider in an emergency.”

Liverpool resident Simon Williams told us, “I’ve said for thirty years that I wouldn’t even wipe my arse on The Sun, but I’ll be honest, I never thought the city could actually run out of toilet roll, so needs must.”

The Sun has had a somewhat turbulent history with Liverpool, after its exhaustive and incendiary reimagining of circumstances surrounding the tragic deaths of 96 football fans at Hillsborough stadium in 1989.

Rupert Murdoch, owner of The Sun, said, “As a businessman at heart, and with losses at The Sun reaching £68 million, I’m happy to reconnect with the Merseyside audience, however it deems fit.

“I’m just glad to know that by leaving my newspaper in every Liverpool privy, whatever they do with it, the pages won’t veer too far from our original content.”