Missing man located buried under collapsed pile of his own stockpiled toilet paper

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A three-day missing person hunt has been called off after local man Simon Williams was discovered buried under a collapsed heap of toilet paper in his home.

Simon, who was reported missing on Saturday, was located after a search party spotted a distinctive packet of hand sanitizer sticking out from beneath the pile.

An excavator was used to remove the heap, and Simon was found to still be clutching a freshly-unwrapped roll of triple-ply, which police believe he was hunting for when he disturbed his collection.

“We’re seeing this sort of thing happen a lot lately,” the police said in a statement.

“Your standard prepper goes to get the first toiler roll out of his carefully stacked heap of 4400 rolls, and the next thing you know he’s disturbed the precarious tissue mountain and it’s all come down over him.

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“The first time panic-buyers are the worst, they just have no idea how to store a couple of thousand toilet rolls. Complete amateurs.  You can’t just dive headfirst into panic-buying without developing the necessary skills first, as you can see here.

“Looking at the scene, it’s like a huge bog roll Jenga just went over. The poor guy never stood a chance.”

“It’s a good thing his stockpile of pasta and rice didn’t topple as well, as that would probably have gone through the floor and we’d never have found him.”

Panic-buyers are warned to wear hard hats when interacting with their stockpile, and to tell someone where they’re going when trying to extract their first bog roll.