Man who has chosen to eat nothing but tinned food since 1993 finally vindicated

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A man from the north-east of England who has subsisted entirely on tinned food since 1993, is today claiming vindication of his lifestyle as millions of panic-buyers join him in the luxury of tinned fruit and Fray Bentos pies.

Martin Williams, 45, first began eating only tinned food at University in 1993, deciding that opening a tin was easier than learning to cook.

He told us, “It all just went from there.  Sure, people mocked my decision to live only on tins, and they mocked when I regularly refused to go for a curry because I had ‘tins in’.

“Yes, they called me ‘tin-tin’ for years, and they would remove all the labels from the tins in my cupboard so that dinner time became like a game of Russian Roulette, where I would have to open a tin to reveal what my dinner that night would actually be.

“But I knew I was on the right side of history and that one day they would realise how much of a visionary I was. It’s just a shame it’s taken nearly 30 years to be proven right.”

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Williams, who has had scurvy eighteen times as an adult, insisted his preference for tinned food has made his life immeasurably easier over the years, and puts him in an excellent position as the country heads towards lock-down.

He added, “My wedding day was fun, I’m sure many of the guests had never had a tin of tuna and tinned peaches as a wedding breakfast before – but I guarantee I’ll be the one they’re phoning when Sainsbury’s runs out of broccoli.”