Thursday 19 March 2020 by Chris Ballard

Londoners completely unaffected by being unable to leave London


Londoners won't leave London

With London expected to be quarantined in the next couple of days, Londoners themselves probably won’t notice.

As the coronavirus spreads more rapidly in the capital than anywhere else, travel restrictions are soon expected to be put in place. This would mean Londoners won’t be able to escape the M25 to places like ‘the North’ or ‘Wales’.

“Wales? Isn’t that just a legend?” asked bemused Londoner Simon Williams.

“The red dragon and that gobbledygook language – it was created by the same guy who did Lord of the Rings wasn’t it?

“As for the North of England, I went to Leeds once for work and there were only five branches of Pret a Manger. And people kept talking to me. Why the hell would anyone go to such a weird, primitive place out of choice?”

Residents of the capital have received criticism for carrying on as normal with London buses packed with commuters and pubs still three-quarters full of drinkers.

“What you have to understand is that Londoners aren’t phased by little things like global pandemics,” explained Simon.

“Fighting for products in the supermarket is perfectly normal – not because there’s a shortage of stock but because we absolutely hate each other.

“We constantly live and breathe appallingly toxic air – I honestly can’t imagine any virus living very long in my poisonous lungs.

“And have you seen my flatshare? If I get hospitalised and have to lie in a corridor with tens of other patients I’ll just appreciate the relative space and tranquillity.

“Finally – not wanting to get too deep – Londoners don’t really fear death. My daily existence is such an appalling grind of overpriced, overcrowded and unfriendly places that I’ve long suspected this is actually Hell anyway.

“Wouldn’t want to leave though. Christ, no.”

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