Further football postponements sees desperate Sky Sports secure exclusive rights to Asda CCTV

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After the Premier League has suspended further football matches until the end of April at the earliest, an increasingly desperate Sky Sports has secured the exclusive rights to the nation’s favourite pastime, watching people fight over toilet rolls in a packed supermarket.

With most sporting events now cancelled, many sports channels are being forced to diversify and it looks like Sky Sports may have struck gold by securing the rights to broadcast live footage from Asda’s in-store CCTV network.

Sky executive Simon Williams told us, “We’re very excited about this new package of top-flight shopping action. The Sky Sports Extreme Shopping channel be launching on what we’re calling ‘Supermarket Sunday’, so make sure you tune in.

“We’ve got Craig Charles in to present the highlights show and some former Supermarket Sweep winners doing the punditry so you can be assured of not only seeing top-class panic-buying, but also analysis from people who really know how to rapidly fill a trolley.”

Asda store managers have been fully briefed and are being encouraged to intervene as little as possible in the action, to let the games flow without too much need for stoppages, with extra assurance that a VAR system is in place to deal with serious foul play.

Williams went on, “It’s sort of a cross between Athletics, Formula 1, Tetris and MMA, but some of the tactics you will see out there are definitely Mourinho-esque.

“We’re predicting this could be bigger than snooker was in the 1980s – mainly because millions of people watched that and it was dull as shit.”