Wednesday 18 March 2020

Desperate self-isolating man frantically repairing torn sheet of toilet paper


man repairing toilet roll with sellotape

A self-isolating single man who has been unable to buy toilet roll due to panic-buying pricks emptying his local supermarket has this morning spent time frantically repairing a sheet he accidentally tore following a bowel movement.

Simon Williams, 35, said he’s been at home since Sunday, when he had a mild fever, and though he’s feeling absolutely fine, he is running desperately low on toilet paper.

He told us, “Like any normal sane person, I buy toilet roll only when I need it, rather than hoarding dozens of rolls in case the apocalypse is nigh.

“As such, I tried to buy some at the weekend, but I couldn’t because apparently the entire country has lost its fucking mind – and now I’m getting perilously close to the end of my final roll. The panic is definitely starting to set in.

“I’m not supposed to leave the house for at least another week, and there are no supermarket delivery slots for nearly two weeks. So you can imagine my dismay when I accidentally ripped a sheet of toilet roll this morning, right down the middle, nowhere near the perforated line. It’s left the sheet essentially useless – if you tried wiping with it there is no way you’d avoid shitty fingers.

“It was like the time I dropped a tenner, and the wind took it over a fence and away from me forever. I was absolutely distraught.

“Fortunately, I am channelling the Blitz spirit probably shown by my grandparents, and with a steady hand and some sellotape, I think I might have saved it.

“Don’t worry, I’ve filmed it and put it on YouTube in case any other self-isolators find themselves in a similarly desperate position.”

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