COVID-19 made a Tory peer for successfully turning the UK into a country of grasping selfish shits

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The coronavirus currently grinding the world to a halt has been elevated to the House of Lords by Boris Johnson for achieving the long-standing Conservative vision of a UK where no one gives a toss about the sick, the destitute or indeed anyone but themselves.

A Number 10 insider who would only give an alias of DC explained the radical decision to ennoble a virus.

They told us, “COVID-19 has made all our dreams come true. Every man for himself and trample those in the way. Food banks are running low as people are stockpiling instead of donating. The elderly are going to be invisible for four months and it will be a long while before anyone even mentions social inequality.

“And since we can monopolise the news cycle with our latest reversal or cretinous decision, we can do no end of heinous shit to those we deem unproductive. Additionally, in the guise of propping up business, we can transfer billions of state funds and assets into the hands of our political donors.

“Remember Brexit, the Russian report, the Arcuri investigations, Windrush Mark 2 or that time we tried to hire eugenicists? All forgotten now. We could hire Gary Glitter to go around requesting uncut diamonds in exchange for tax cuts and we would bury any outrage with one quip about toilet roll.

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“COVID 19 is the living, if admittedly tiny, embodiment of the modern Conservative movement. He deserves to go to the House of Lords.

“Plus he’ll free up a bit of space. It’s getting a bit crowded there.”