Concert news: Mosh pits to be replaced with Social Distancing pits

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Heavy metal fans are being warned to stay at least two metres apart whilst dancing as aggressively and violently as they can, according to reports today.

Mosh pits, which are usually heaving, sweaty masses of humanity, should take place according to safe distancing guidelines and pushing, punching and piling into each other should only happen when absolutely necessary and whilst wearing protective clothing.

Ideally, people attending concerts are being advised to dance like goths by walking slowly about, making gentle yet symbolic hand gestures, and not going anywhere near anybody else – or even better just sitting there without moving like a stuffed raven.

“In the main, metal fans should stay even further apart than minimum safety guidelines, as droplets of sweat from long hair can fly several feet when you’re going for it to, say, Duality”, said government health specialist Simon Williams.

“When carrying out a Wall Of Death, participants should make sure they leave enough gaps so they can comfortably run past each other without contact.”

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“And instead of shoulder-charging the guy next to you, try waving to him – aggressively of course – or perhaps lightly bumping elbows whilst wearing a chunky-knit sweater.”

“And whatever you do, don’t try stage diving into a socially distancing crowd because there won’t be anyone there to catch you and you’ll break both your arms when you land”, he added.