Britain f*cked as Winchester pub closed due to Coronavirus

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Britain’s plan to head off to the Winchester and enjoy a nice cold pint until this all blows over has been scuppered by the pub closing due to the virus.

For almost twenty years, Britons have followed the same disaster response plan in times of crisis, which is to retreat to their favourite local and pop the jukebox on until things quieten down a bit – but this time, not even the pub is safe.

Regulars arrived at the hostelry after running a gauntlet of coughing, virus-infected passers-by, only to find a sign on the door saying the popular venue was shut for the foreseeable future.

“We stayed open during a zombie plague, ISIS attacks on London, an alien invasion and the news that Genesis were reforming, but we’ve had to take expert advice and close our doors this time”, said landlord Simon Williams.

“Obviously this isn’t ideal, It’s St Patrick’s Day after all, but we can’t risk someone coughing all over the bags of pork scratchings and then everyone getting sick.

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“And if anyone tries to get in, don’t forget that the gun over the bar is actually real.”