Tuesday 17 March 2020 by Neil Tollfree

Boris rolling a dice to decide on today’s Coronavirus strategy


Boris rolling a dice to decide on strategy for coronavirus

Boris Johnson is currently rolling a dice to decide what today’s strategy for coronavirus will be.

Yesterday’s turn-around from the plan of ‘everyone get it and build up a nice big immunity’ to ‘hide!’ is said to have occurred because Johnson rolled a four yesterday morning.

“Look, Boris isn’t really equipped to put on his own trousers in the morning,” explained an aide to the Prime Minister.

“So, how to handle the biggest health-crisis in a century is just beyond him, frankly.

“As such, each morning he just rolls a dice and whatever number comes up dictates what strategy to go for on that day.”

According to the aide the numbers indicate the following strategies.

1 – ‘What coronavirus?”

2 – ‘It’s basically flu. Don’t worry about it, I’m sure it’ll sort itself out.’

3 – ‘Blimey, this is a bit hairy, isn’t it? Stay at home if you’ve got a cough and try to avoid your mum and dad.’

4 – ‘Don’t go outside at all. Keep the curtains closed. Hid under the duvet. Unless you work in a supermarket or hospital, in which case, try not to sick.’

5 – ‘Fucking Hell! Panic! Set fire to upturned oil cans! Eat all the cats and dogs! Play Nine Inch Nails really loudly.

6 – ‘Balls to this, someone else can be Prime Minister. If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my virus-proof underground bunker.’

“Frankly, I’m hoping for a much lower number today,” said the aide

“Because the last couple of days have been a bit scary and I could definitely do with going to the pub.”

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