Monday 16 March 2020 by Lucas Wilde

US ban on large gatherings could force mass shooters to go door-to-door


Mass shooters could be forced to go door to door

America’s burgeoning mass-shooting industry could be an unforeseen casualty of the coronavirus due to a ban on gatherings large enough to be considered reasonable targets.

After the Centre for Disease Control recommended that gatherings of more than fifty people should be suspended, America’s bad guys with guns are facing a difficult future.

“Dagnabbit,” said potential mass shooter, Chuck Williams, who has a string of mental health issues and is known to the authorities, but is still allowed out and about with an AR-15.

“That’s completely ruined my plans for next weekend, which I’d informally named ‘Blaze of Glory’. I don’t want to give away too much, just in case the mayor decides that the parade should go ahead after all.

“I don’t much fancy going door-to-door shooting people. What if they’re not in? Or if they have a ‘no callers’ sign? It’s such a massive hassle compared to just firing an assault rifle indiscriminately while spinning in the middle of a crowd.

“Plus, as everyone knows, most Americans answer the door with a shotgun ready to go anyway. So I probably wouldn’t even get past the first house.”

Local police officer, Henry McKinney, said, “Oh good.

“We knew Chuck was up to something, but we didn’t know enough to actually arrest him, and let’s be honest, we’ll never know enough to actually take his guns away. So it’s good to hear that Coronavirus will at least minimise his kill count to one or two unfortunates before he’s inevitably gunned down by an enthusiastic vigilante.”

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