Monday 16 March 2020 by Chris Ballard

NHS under increasing pressure as homeworkers continue to overdose on biscuits


Homeworkers overdosing on biscuits

One of the unforeseen consequences of the coronavirus is the widespread addiction to biscuits, according to health officials today.

Simon Williams was just trying to be a good citizen. He didn’t have any symptoms of Covid-19, but given that it was fairly easy for him to perform his office job at home, he thought he might as well do so.

Three days later he realised he had a problem.

“I ran out of chocolate hobnobs,” said Simon. “I immediately started sweating and shaking. I knew what I had to do – I jumped in the car and raced to Tesco.

“All the class A biscuits had been swiped – the digestives, the chocolate fingers, the choc-chip cookies…

“There was a gaping void where the mint Clubs used to be; I was so desperate I bought a pack of the fruit ones. I know, I know – what would my children think if they saw their father in such a state?!

“And then I sank really low and threw a large packet of Gold bars into the trolley. Don’t judge me! When biscuit addiction takes hold you’re not in control of your own actions!

“I went straight home, set my work status to ‘busy’ and overdosed on products which came from the very bottom of the biscuit barrel.”

At this point, Simon broke down and cried. “And it felt good!

“I’d go and get help but the NHS is under so much pressure at the moment. Maybe I’ll just have a little malted milk to relax. Just a nibble…”

In light of tragic stories like Simon’s experts are now posing the question – given the problems we are facing as a society, should we have legalised biscuits in the first place?

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