Monday 16 March 2020 by Arabin Patson

Nation’s steadfast bellends solemnly promise to remain utterly vile during the coronavirus crisis


Nation's bellends

Katie Hopkins, Piers Morgan, CrossFit trainers, people with dogs in their twitter profile pictures and Audi drivers have all re-assured a frightened and confused country that, whatever happens, they can always count on them to be highly irritating arseholes.

Although celebrity dickheads like Jeremy Clarkson have led the movement to keep Britain petty and snide, it was run-of-the-mill fuckwads who pushed the movement forward.

Simon Williams, a mind-bendingly annoying wanker and lettings agency worker from Crawley, was one of many twats who promised COVID 19 would not stop him from parking in disabled spots and calling his colleagues ‘good sir’.

He went on “We all have to do our bit. When we see shelves stripped bare and old people facing months of isolation, it’s important that tossers such as myself keep being unifying figures of hatred.

“That’s why I went to Tesco this morning, not to stockpile, but to wait in the queue and mutter ‘sometimes this century, darling’ at old women who are slow to find their purses.”

Mr Wiliams believes it wasn’t enough to just be the same objectionable little turd and that the national crisis needed an extra effort from British tosspots.

He went on, “I’ve doubled the amount of winking I do at work, and I’ve taken to eating bags of mixed nuts at my desk while telling people I’ve gone Paleo. I’ve also spent two hours typing #LegendLads on any Facebook picture I’m tagged in.”

Although an organic movement with no clear instigator, it is believed that the country’s many attention-seeking shits were inspired by Boris Johnson’s determination to remain the nation’s most prominent time-wasting prick.

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