Friday 13 March 2020 by Davywavy

Jacob Rees-Mogg demonstrates up to date plague-resistant clothing


Rees-Mogg parliament coronavirus costume

After several MPs were diagnosed with Coronavirus, Jacob Rees-Mogg has arrived to work wearing the very latest in outfits deemed impervious to pestilence.

Mogg, who told us disease arises from either tiny demons or possibly noxious vapours drifting from the stagnant mere, advised fellow Britons to adopt clothing that allows a nosegay of sweet herbs to protect them from the ill-humours.

“Clad, in simple and easily-affordable outfits, people can go about their business undisturbed by the fear of developing weeping buboes or discoloured effluxions,” Mogg told reports

“I presume that everyone has several such suits in their wardrobe for such exigencies as do I.”

“If sweet herbs are unavailable for a nosegay you will be adequately protected by the delicious scent of an orange, freely available from some buxom market-wench with a basket of the fruits.”

Persons who contract Coronavirus should mark their houses with a large cross painted on the door, and if forced to exit their home for any reason should warn passers-by to ‘ware their distance by ringing a bell and shouting ‘unclean!’ as they pass.

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