Boris Johnson reassures nation that government’s finger still firmly embedded up its arse

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As European countries shut down schools, ban public gatherings and impose restrictions on movement to slow the spread of COVID-19, the Prime Minister has soothed a jittery public with the comforting sight of a state doing fuck-all beyond recommending self-isolation.

In Eastbourne, Tory voter Simon Williams was one of many whose anxieties were calmed by the inspiring vision of Boris Johnson telling the nation that many loved ones were going to die, but he won’t order concrete measures beyond getting Jacob Rees-Mogg to tell us how to use soap.

He explained, “I was getting really scared watching all those foreign governments implement drastic quarantine plans, set up isolation wards, accept the economic cost of cancelling mass events and treating coronavirus like a real emergency.

“So I was delighted to see Boris Johnson remind us that this is Britain and that, come what may, we will always know that our government vacillates beyond apathy and complete clusterfuckery.”

It is understood that the sight of people breaking over toilet paper led the PM to make an intervention. A spokesperson for Number 10 was keen to emphasize that Boris Johnson had the reins of power firmly in hand.

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They said, “The PM has been getting up at 11am every day to monitor the situation and asked for daily updates to be left right outside his office door, day or night. He knows the last thing the nation wants is to see panicky over-reactions like basic temperature checks at airports or paramedics getting protective gear.

“Boris believes we should keep calm, carry on, and focus on profits. And he personally recommends the timeless music of G.H Chigwin as something to hum while washing our hands.”