by 
Disgraced movie producer Harvey Weinstein has spoken of the ‘great remorse’ he feels at having to go to prison.
“I really am terribly, terribly sorry that I have to go to prison,” said the former movie industry mogul.
“There is nothing in my heart but great remorse for my awful predicament.”
Weinstein spoke from his hospital bed after performing a reasonably convincing medical collapse.
Close to tears, he continued, “I made The English Patient, you know. Pulp Fiction, Shakespeare in Love – all mine.
“Now, I am condemned to prison. I feel just so bad, so very bad for me and what I will have to endure for probably the rest of my life.
“But it is important to remember that it isn’t just about me. There are many other men throughout the world who, like me, face prison for nothing more than forcing a woman to have sex with them against her will.
“I feel remorse for those men too, great remorse. Not as much remorse as I clearly feel for myself, obviously, but still – a lot of remorse.”
Openly sobbing now, Weinstein brought his statement to a close.
Pausing briefly, he then clutched his heart, made a strangled noise and cried – “oh no, I’m having a big heart attack, I definitely can’t go to prison now! I probably need to be looked after in one of those low-security hospitals that a more like a resort hotel… ouch, it hurts!”
He waited for a full minute before surreptitiously opening one eye to see if everyone was convinced.
They weren’t.
