Local man Simon Williams has inherited 25 million toilet rolls off a Nigerian Prince, according to an email he’s just received.
The mail, from The Reverend Minister-colonel Msumbe Akowole, reveals that a bank vault stuffed with bog paper in Lagos has been left to Simon in the Prince’s will – and all he needs to do to access it is send 50 rolls of Andrex to facilitate the transfer.
“Honestly, this couldn’t have happened at a better time,” a jubilant Simon told us.
“The only stuff left at my local Tesco is that shiny stuff that acts like a plasterers trowel, so almost a hundred tons of triple-ply extra-soft luxury tissue will keep me going until this panic is over. I might even be able to help out my family and some close friends, it’s nice to be able to that when you get this lucky.
“I didn’t even know I had a Nigerian uncle who was both a Prince and a successful millionaire businessman, but it doesn’t seem all that unlikely – I’m so clever that I expect brains like mine run in the family.”
Simon has replied to the email with his Tesco delivery account login details so the process of delivering the log-paper for him to log on can begin.