Thursday 12 March 2020 by Chris Ballard

Bidet owners to take over the world


Bidets to inherit the earth

Experts are predicting that people who own bidets will quickly rise to the top of society in a post-coronavirus world without toilet roll.

Whenever human civilisation goes through a crisis, societal hierarchies evolve to adapt. The Black Death elevated the status of surgeons with their interventionist approach to medicine. Women became valued members of the workforce during World War Two.

And now the Coronavirus seems likely to put bidet owners on the very top branches of the societal tree.

“People without shitty arses will inherit the Earth,” said Futurologist Simon Williams.

“If there’s no loo roll to around, then it’s pretty obvious who those people will be.

“Think about a basic human need like reproduction. Who would you want to mate with – Mr Skid Marks or Mr Freshly Douched?

“In a shrinking economy who’s going to be offered the few scarce jobs? Certainly not the people who constantly reek because they have to wipe their arses with their left hand.

“Perhaps bidet owners will become the new landlords – offering basic sanitation for exorbitant prices, exploiting a newly created underclass of citizens whose cloth is always being touched.

“We can only hope that they use their anal cleanliness for good and not for evil.

“A conservative estimate would be that within a decade 90% of the world’s population will either own a bidet or have regular access to one.

“Somewhat ironically, this does suggest that within a few years the Italians are going to be in charge.

“May God have mercy on our souls.”

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