Wednesday 11 March 2020

Boris Johnson on verge of taking Coronavirus seriously after learning Tories can contract it


Boris frantic about coronavirus

Prime Minister Boris Johnson is today looking at the Coronavirus outbreak with a renewed sense of urgency after it was revealed last night that Tories can catch it.

After Health minister Nadine Dorries announced she is currently self-isolating after testing positive for the virus, Johnson has called together his advisers for a rethink on how the crisis is being managed, particularly as it pertains to him personally.

A government spokesperson told us,”It’s all well and good when the biggest effects are being felt by people you don’t know, the plebs fighting over toilet roll, the people in the old folks’ homes, the nurses on the front lines – but when it’s actually serving parliamentarians who are suffering, well, then it’s time to wheel out the big guns.

“Boris is rather frantic at the minute, washing his hands like he’s playing Macbeth and Duncan’s blood was drawn on with a Sharpie.

“He honestly believed Tories would be immune to what seemed like a poor person’s problem, what with Tories generally being better off all round and not socialising much with the sort of people who gather at football matches and so on.

“It’s got to the stage where I wouldn’t rule out the Boris taking some actual concrete steps to help avert a crisis, rather than simply offering common-sense advice.

“But it’s not just Boris, poor Chris Grayling has taken to gargling with bleach after every phone call. We thought about correcting him, but honestly, he’s doing less harm to the country if we just let him carry on.”

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