The supernatural embodiment of disease and the inventor of the coronavirus, Pestilence, is getting sick of waiting for his partners Famine and War to arrive so that they can kick off a proper Apocalypse.
“I just want them to pick up the damn phone,” an agitated Pestilence told reporters.
“I’ve put a lot of work into this epidemic. Do you think it’s easy spreading a new disease across the entire planet in a couple of months?
“I’ve done my bit. Call me old-fashioned but it’s just not an Apocalypse unless the infected are also wondering if they’ll get shot before their next meal.
“I can’t ride out by myself, and the only replacements I could get at short notice are a complete shower – that’s Downpour and Deluge over there.
“And Recession has been following us on foot since he can’t afford the upkeep for his horse.
“All I’ve heard from the old gang is a text from War – apparently he’s on a job that’s taking a lot longer than expected, somewhere called Afghanistan?
“I bet he’s still pissed off that our biological warfare collaboration never made it big – if you didn’t know War you’d never guess it, but he’s actually quite bad-tempered.”
“Oh man, don’t remind me about that Apocalypse nonsense,” Famine told reporters.
“I’ve done some really dumb stuff over the millennia, but I guess that’s what comes of making important decisions while you’re hungry.
“I’ve got a steady job now, working for the North Korean government. It’s actually quite hard to run a country this badly, we’re working flat out to keep food off the table.”