Dogs at this year’s Crufts being advised to lick own backsides for at least 20 seconds

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After sponsors of Crufts asked their staff not to attend the dog show citing Coronavirus fears, the event’s organisers have announced additional precautions against the spread of infection, including asking all competing dogs to spend at least 20 seconds when they lick their own rear ends.

“It’s just a matter of common-sense hygiene,” said Crufts spokeswoman Simone Williams.

“Lick your own anus and genitals for twenty seconds, or while singing ‘how much is that doggie in the window’ twice.

“We’re not asking any of the humans attending to do the same, but if you’re flexible enough, then, by all means, go for it.

“When it comes to greetings, however, we will be asking attendees to avoid handshakes. The dogs can continue using their traditional greeting of sniffing one another’s anal glands. Again, we’re not asking any humans to do the same but, if the mood takes you…

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“Our advice is to fist-bump instead of shaking hands. Given the average age of the Crufts audience, paramedics will be standing by to deal with the large numbers of broken fingers and shattered wrists we’re expecting as a result of this measure.”

“Thank God the show is still going ahead,” said one of the judges, palpating a frisky schnauzer.

“I know some people probably think it doesn’t justify the potential infection risk, but some things are just too important to cancel. Like watching some dogs wander round on a big green carpet.

“No, continuing the show is the right thing to do, and I’d gladly risk my health and the health of others to be in Birmingham, peering up a spaniel’s arsehole.”