Wednesday 4 March 2020 by Neil Tollfree

Retro hipster has SARS


retro hipster has SARS

A retro-hipster has defied the prevailing fashion for coronavirus Covid-19 by contracting SARS.

A SARS pandemic in 2002 saw the disease cemented in many people’s mind as the classic coronavirus, with other coronaviruses considered highly derivative.

“Everyone’s getting all hysterical about Covid-19 and I’m like – whatever,” said Simon Williams, a beard enthusiast from Hoxton or somewhere equally obnoxious.

“If you’re really into your coronaviruses, and I mean really into them, then you know that SARS is the only one to contract.”

Mr Williams went on to dismiss those who have contracted Covid-19 as fashion victims.

“All sheep,” he scoffed.

“They see Covid-19 on the news, they see that it’s what everyone is into at the moment and they just rush out and get infected.

“It’s pathetic, really, when you think about it. If they don’t even understand that SARS is the original and best coronavirus then they haven’t really got any business getting into coronaviruses.

“They’re just trying to try and be cool.”

Even with many thousands of people contracting Covid-19 around the globe, Mr Williams feels no urge to join them.

“No, I’m an individualist. I’m not interested in what the herd do. I go my own way and I’m keeping the faith with SARS.

“Believe me, when this Covid-19 trend is over, people will be going – ‘oh yeah, Si was right. SARS is timeless. It’s the best.’”

It is understood that the disease has now begun to affect Mr Williams’ lungs and the decreasing level of oxygen in is blood means that the SARS will almost certainly be fatal within the next week or so.

“Fatal. Classic,” said Mr Williams, before coughing up blood.

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