Wednesday 4 March 2020 by Arabin Patson

Nation turns to Warhammer players for advice on how to stay at home for two weeks


warhamme players experts on self-isolation

Pungent men with severe vitamin D deficiency and a large collection of overpriced figurines are suddenly very much in demand as they are deemed the nation’s greatest experts at staying indoors for weeks on end while they paint space goblins.

Simon Williams, a reclusive Brightonian who calls himself The Warhound of Horus, explained that he was happy to tell people how to spend weeks inside with no human contact, but he was struggling with the sudden attention.

He explained, “My family has been calling me and recommending me to their friends, which is unusual as they used to claim I was living in Canada to explain my absence.

“So now I have people texting me asking me how to sort out food and avoid cabin fever. I like to be useful but it’s quite taxing as the only people I usually speak to are online and have names like Guntebert the Arco-flagellant.

“To be honest, there’s not much to it. Use supermarket delivery but pretend not to be home so you don’t have to put on a working-class accent and call someone ‘mate’. Then it’s just a repeating cycle of Japanese cartoon pornography and spending hours hunched over and painting little plastics tanks that cost £35 a pop.

“But watch out for scurvy as that could mean a trip to the clinic and a horrific flop sweat because the pretty receptionist asks you questions.”

Mr Williams explained that he did not want any kind of money for his services. He simply that people stop mocking Warspanner players and have the courtesy of listening when he explains his passion for space sailors fighting chaos dementors or some shit.

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