Tuesday 3 March 2020 by Lucas Wilde

Goths told to wash their hands while singing Cradle of Filth’s Godspeed on the Devil’s Thunder


Goth man washing hands for coronavirus

As part of the recommendations for preventing the spread of the Coronavirus, Goths have been given their own instructions for washing their hands.

The oft-misunderstood/rightfully mocked (depending on your view) subsection of society has been told to remove all the jewellery from their pale fingers and give their hands a good wash, for at least the duration of a verse from the title track of Cradle of Filth’s Godspeed on the Devil’s Thunder.

“…meant to overpower and bedizen his light…he paced his tower prison with a dissonant appetite..” chirped Simon Williams, a 32 year-old goth from Salisbury.

“It works pretty well this, usually because I get carried away and end up singing the entire song, which is five and a half minutes long, so my hands are ruddy spotless.”

“Who would have known that a bit of Filth would make us all so clean? How ironic.

“I mean I’m pretty much self-isolated anyway as, a default, while I sit in my room and write fancy poems about death, so I’m unlikely to actually come into contact with anybody who has the Coronavirus, but it’s nice that we’re being considered.”

Dr Jay Cooper, of the World Health Organisation, said, “We want to make sure everyone remains as safe as possible, and that includes the Goths.

“We gave similar advice to Emo kids and told them to wash their hands to at least one verse of Welcome to the Black Parade, but it turns out they’re fairly happy to die, so it’s largely fallen on deaf ears.”

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